Just the beginning...

“Multicystic Dysplastic Kidneys…”

“Incompatible with life… “

“Potter’s Syndrome…”

“Pulmonary Hypoplasia…”

“Terminate…”

These are words that just a few short weeks ago were not a part of my vocabulary.  Now their meanings are etched into my brain forever.  Medical terms are now a growing part of my vocabulary.

My heart is broken.  My life is changed forever.  I cry out to God a cry more fervent than ever before in my life.  I will share my story because... 

I want you to know… 

I want you to pray… 

I never want to forget… 

and this is the only way I know how to get through this chapter in my life… this chapter that I never wanted God to write, but that I trust is part of His perfect plan.

19 Weeks, 6 Days:

On May 28, my husband Eddie and I received the shocking news that our unborn son was diagnosed with Bilateral Multicystic Dysplastic Kidneys.  This means that his kidneys are full of cysts and are not functioning properly.  The importance of the kidneys during fetal development is that the urine produces the majority of the amniotic fluid.  Without amniotic fluid, there is no chance for the baby’s lungs to develop.  This diagnosis is predicted to be fatal.

The question I ask is “Why?  Why me?” and the answer God gave me is: “I chose you.”  God chose me out of all the mommies to be a Mommy to this little "gummy bear."  I’m not sure why, but I am learning to accept it.   I’m learning that I can choose to see this as a punishment or an honor.  I choose HONOR.  God has given me the privilege to care for this little life as long as he has a beating heart… which he does. His heart is strong and healthy, and his kicks remind me that he is still alive and fighting everyday.  And for now, I get to carry him.

Over the past few days and weeks, I have met and spoken to many women who have experienced loss in the past.  I never knew that I would one day walk down that road.  I thank God that he is using their story to help me walk through mine.  We have just begun this journey, and I know the end is nowhere in sight.  On the one hand, I want it to just be over… on the other, I don’t know if I can survive when it is.

The doctors have advised termination, as they always do with this type of diagnosis.  My immediate and sustained reaction is “That is not my choice to make.”  Eddie and I firmly believe in the value of human life from conception.  He is our son, his heart is beating, and God gave him to us to take care of.  Until God takes him, he is ours to protect and love.  He is a gift that I cannot and will not discard.  I thank God that he has entrusted us with this gift, and I know his soul has meaning.  God created him for a purpose, and I joyfully anticipate watching his purpose unfold.

Joy.  

Joy is not the emotion I feel at the moment.  

Sorrow.  

Sorrow is what I feel.  

I can’t imagine ever stepping out of this cloud of sorrow.  I anticipate this cloud to grow heavier and darker in the weeks and months to come, but I also believe with all my heart that My God will sustain me.  He WILL bring me out of it after he brings me through it.

In the meantime, I choose to rejoice and celebrate the life that God has surrounded me with.  There is much NEW life to celebrate: the birth of my new nephew, the birth of my good friend’s baby boy, and about 7 other women in my church who are due to celebrate new life in the coming months.  I am excited for them and will love their babies the best way I can.  I know there will be pains in my heart at the same time, but love will overcome.

God put something on my heart soon after I found out I was expecting.  I knew I was one of 12 women in my small church who were pregnant, and they are all due before me.  God put on my heart something very sad, but very real: “One of these women could very well face complications with their pregnancy… even loss.”  My heart broke at that thought, and little did I know that God was preparing me.

I know you may be reading this thinking I have lost all hope.  The truth is, I’m a realist.  It is very hard for me to be optimistic in the face of very real facts.  BUT, know this:  I have not given up all hope.  I have faith in a God of miracles. 

I KNOW he can heal my baby, but I do not put my faith in that hope.  I put my faith in my God who has proven in my past that his plans are always greater than mine.  I trust Him. 

I KNOW he has the power to heal, but I do not put my faith in that power. I put my faith in my God who has shown me that sometimes it is much more powerful to carry us through unimaginable circumstances.  I don’t feel like I am strong.  I know that I am weak.  But, I am made strong in my weakness because of His power.

Some of you reading this already knew of this, and some of you are just finding out.  I am sorry if this is you, but there is no way I could share this personally with all the people who know and love me and Eddie and Jaden.  I want to, but I can't.  This is the only way I know how.

Many of you are praying for us already.  Thank you! We ask you to pray along with us. Our prayer is this:

Pray for a miracle... if that be His will.  

Pray that his little kidneys start producing urine. 

(I bet no one asked you to pray for pee before)

Pray that God would guide us and sustain us as we take each step down this road of the unknown.  We are seeking medical help the best way we know how, but are strongly aware that it is unlikely that those doors will open.  

Pray for continued hope and strength to fight the battle before us.

Pray that he would use us and that he would use our baby's life (however long or short it is) to reach others in a way we never could without this chapter of our story.

Pray that he would comfort us and give us peace... 

no matter the outcome.

And we will continue to post updates about our little "gummy bear" as we feel led. Thank you for your prayers!