Happy 1-Month Birthday, Dakota

Happy 1-Month Birthday, Dakota -  Oct. 19, 2015

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted

and saves the crushed in spirit.”

Psalm 34:18 (ESV)

For every valley of darkness I have traveled,

God has also brought me mountains of sunshine.

For every tear I’ve cried,

He has also granted me smiles and laughter.

For every moment of sorrow and grief,

I have also been blessed with moments of joy and thanksgiving.

Just one month ago, on Sept. 19, 2015, we met our precious baby boy and said good-bye to him less than 12 hours later.  One month ago, Dakota left this earth and entered the arms of Jesus.  In some ways, time has seemed to stand still.  Yet others, it seems to have flown by.  Those 24 hours have been etched into my memory forever and have changed my heart for an eternity.

It was interesting to notice that God was putting us on people’s minds and hearts today, on his one-month birthday.  Eddie and I received several texts and phone calls where people were just reminding us that they love us and were praying for us.  A good friend even sent a video of her kids wishing Dakota a “Happy one-month Birthday!”  It was a reminder that we are loved and cared for.  We are not forgotten, and neither is Dakota.

This morning, I also had a conversation with a new friend who didn’t know much about our journey with Dakota. She wasn’t afraid to ask me about him.  She took the time to ask me questions about his diagnosis, his birth and even his burial.  As I drove home following that conversation, I realized she had given me a gift: she had given me time and space to talk about Dakota and that felt so good.  Tears came to my eyes as I realized how much it meant to me to have someone just ask me about him.  So many people are afraid to mention him because they are afraid to upset me.  Just know this: it will never upset me to talk about my son.  It may bring me to tears, but that doesn’t mean I’m upset.  It just means I’m still healing.

Many people ask me “How are you doing?”  It is easy to give the short answer: “Fine.  We are doing okay.”  Because, we are.  But we also are not.  I have my good days and bad.  I have joyful moments and sorrowful.

Each day, something brings me joy and smiles and laughter.  But, also each day, something brings me to tears.  Each day, my heart breaks all over again; moments that I have come to expect but that always take me by surprise. 

Moments like… dropping Jaden off at school and having the other mothers notice that I’m not pregnant anymore.  Their questions and my responses:

“Did you have the baby?”

“Yes.”

“When?”

“Almost 2 weeks ago… but”

“Ohhhh! Congratulations!”

“…he passed away.” 

It feels cruel… to hit these unsuspecting strangers with such tragic news.  They were just going about their day, taking an interest in the lives of others… and BAM! They get hit over the head with death. 

Moments like… when I noticed that I had gone over 24 hours without needing to pump.  Realizing that my body is forgetting that I just gave birth to a baby 2 weeks ago.  My body feels that this pregnancy was in the distant past, but my heart is still raw with hurt.

Moments like… realizing that Eddie’s phone had pictures of Dakota on it that I had not remembered to look at.  It took me over a week to remember that they were even there.  Looking through them, I discovered two short videos taken while Dakota was still alive and breathing and crying.  That became my joy and sorrow all at once.  I am so joyful to have those sweet seconds to watch over and over again.  Yet I feel my heart breaking each time I watch those sweet seconds over and over again.  It isn’t enough.  I want more.  I have hundreds of pictures and those 2 short videos, but what I want is my baby in my arms.  (FYI: If you want to see them, ask me next time we are together.  I would love to share them with you.)

Moments like… when I find myself frustrated with Jaden or angry with Eddie.  Grief has a way of exploding over and over again, and unfortunately the ones closest to me get hit with the shrapnel.  Eddie even said, “you just don’t seem happy…” Because I’m not.  I’m not happy.  I’m sad.  I can forget that I am sad for a little while, but it always comes back.  At the same time, I am grateful.  I am thankful for the way God has carried us through this.  I am thankful that He has not left us.  I am thankful that He has put so many people in our life to love us and serve us.  I am thankful for a loving husband and a healthy 4-year-old.  I am thankful that I have so much to be thankful for.  Yet, right now, I am also sad.  I never fully understood that such opposite feelings could co-exist inside me until now.

Moments like… when I try to go back to life as ‘normal’ because that seems logical.  It seems like that is what I am supposed to do.  But then I can’t.  Life isn’t normal.  I have to learn a new normal.  Thankfully, I have godly women in my life who took the time to remind me that it is okay to not rush back to a ‘normal’ life.  It is okay to grieve.  It is important to grieve.  And it is okay to take it slow… one day at a time.

But, then there are those moments of joy.  I get reminders that God has given us such peace and grace through this whole process.  There are so many details that God has worked out for us.  I cannot express in words how much this makes me feel cared for.  God has not forgotten me.  He has prepared me for this road.  He has taken care of all of the provisions needed for the journey.  And He has provided traveling companions that have walked this road of grief before.  He has put friends by my side who have not left me to travel this road alone. He gave me a husband and son who have blessed my life and have been the perfect “traveling companions” on this journey.  He has surrounded us with a church family that have loved us and served us and carried us when we could not go on anymore. 

I have so many people to thank that I cannot begin to list them all here.  But I want you to know, if you are reading this:  Thank you!  You have prayed for us, you have loved us, you have served us, and you have acknowledged that Dakota’s life mattered.  It means the world to us. We are thankful for that and so much more. Thank you!