Mother's Day 2016

28 Weeks - May 9, 2016

Mother’s Day was yesterday.  Mother’s Day has a whole new meaning to me now.  I was kind of taken off-guard by the emotions that would wash over me this day.  Before Jaden was conceived, I remember Mother’s Day being painful for a few years.  Eddie and I experienced a desire to have a child, and we hoped patiently each month for a positive pregnancy test.  15 months passed by before we finally rejoiced at those two blue lines.  After Jaden was born, Mother’s Day was transformed to a more joyful occasion; but, the memory of that pain was still present.  I thank God that he has given me the gift of empathy for the childless women who face Mother’s Day with a painful ache in their hearts.

This Mother’s Day brought with it a whole new set of emotions.  I gratefully celebrated my sweet boy who is here with me, but I also mourned my sweet baby who is in the arms of Jesus.  As I read the Mother’s Day card Eddie wrote for me where he mentioned our “three children,” the tears poured down.   Dakota is gone, but not forgotten.  And on a day like Mother’s Day, he is remembered ever so fiercely!   The pain is fresh, and I didn’t see it coming.  It gives me a whole new perspective on Mother’s Day and the many other women who are also grieving the loss of their children.  Although the pain stings, I also thank God for it because it expands the circle of women with whom I can empathize with in the pain of this day. 

But, it doesn’t end there.  I also realize that God has given us each a woman who birthed us.  Mother’s Day isn’t just about me; it is about the woman who gave me life.  I’m thankful for my Mom and each passing day I have with her in my life. 

And… I can’t forget my sweet girl, Carmen!  She is giving me the gift of motherhood all over again, and this Mother’s Day was another chance to celebrate her.  I’m celebrating her life, her health, and the way God has already used her sweet presence in our family to bring us joy and healing.

And, as you can see: this girl is growing!  I feel huge… and I am only just beginning the third trimester.  Well… I am thankful she is growing and pray that she is born healthy and strong. 

As we enter into this final 12-week stretch, I am beginning to feel a bit more anxiety.  Almost like I am fearful of reliving all that we went through with Dakota all over again.  I know that the fear is of Satan and not of God, so I ask for prayers for continued strength that only God can fulfill.  I choose to place my trust in the One that carried me through the storms in the past and who promises to never leave me. 

The rollercoaster of emotions I felt while pregnant with Dakota have been mirrored in this pregnancy.  Feeling grief and loss while also feeling hope and joy for the future makes for a very unpredictable, emotional, pregnant woman!  Sometimes I think, “I can’t do this” and then I realize that I am so thankful that I get to do this!!!  God has blessed our family with this sweet little girl, and I can’t wait to see her face.  Truthfully, I also can’t wait to be done being pregnant! 36 weeks with Dakota, 5 weeks of healing, and now 28 weeks and counting with Carmen.  It still baffles my mind when I stop to think about it…

Physically, I am still feeling pretty good, but I am starting to feel a level of exhaustion that I’ve never felt before.   Although my body is tired, I think much of the exhaustion I’m feeling is mental.   I can’t help but think about all the packing and moving and unpacking and settling that I hope to do before she is born… and then I need a nap after just thinking about it.  I’m praying for God to help me to focus on just taking one day at a time.  I’m reminded of the passage in Matthew, and I think I need to plaster it on my mirror so I remember it everyday: “Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?” Matthew 6:27.   (Not that I want to add a single hour of being pregnant either.)

My normal pregnancy symptom is here: heartburn… but it is nothing a few Tums can’t handle.  As the summer heat creeps in, I look forward to spending my days feeling weightless and keeping cool with Jaden in one of his favorite places to play: the pool!  And… never before have I felt so aware of my baby’s position in my womb.  She is sometimes head-down… and other times feet-down… and let’s just say that I can definitely tell the difference.  I would prefer her to stay head-down and kick me in the ribs than the alternative!

As always, I thank you for the many prayers still being lifted on our behalf.  Eddie and I are so grateful for the body of Christ and the encouragement that is poured over us more than we ever expected.