“Multicystic
Dysplastic Kidneys…”
“Incompatible
with life… “
“Potter’s
Syndrome…”
“Pulmonary Hypoplasia…”
“Terminate…”
These are
words that just a few short weeks ago were not a part of my vocabulary. Now their meanings are etched into my
brain forever. Medical terms are
now a growing part of my vocabulary.
My heart
is broken. My life is changed
forever. I cry out to God a cry
more fervent than ever before in my life.
I will share my story because...
I want you to know…
I want you to pray…
I never want to forget…
and this is the only way I know how to
get through this chapter in my life… this chapter that I never wanted God to
write, but that I trust is part of His perfect plan.
19 Weeks,
6 Days:
On May
28, my husband Eddie and I received the shocking news that our unborn son was
diagnosed with Bilateral Multicystic Dysplastic Kidneys. This means that his kidneys are full of
cysts and are not functioning properly.
The importance of the kidneys during fetal development is that the urine
produces the majority of the amniotic fluid. Without amniotic fluid, there is no chance for the baby’s
lungs to develop. This diagnosis
is predicted to be fatal.
The
question I ask is “Why? Why me?”
and the answer God gave me is: “I chose you.” God chose me out of all the mommies to be a Mommy to this little "gummy bear." I’m not sure
why, but I am learning to accept it.
I’m learning that I can
choose to see this as a punishment or an honor. I choose HONOR.
God has given me the privilege to care for this little life as long as
he has a beating heart… which he does. His heart is strong and healthy, and his
kicks remind me that he is still alive and fighting everyday. And for now, I get to carry him.
Over the past few days and weeks, I have
met and spoken to many women who have experienced loss in the past. I never knew that I would one day walk
down that road. I thank God that
he is using their story to help me walk through mine. We have just begun this journey, and I know the end is
nowhere in sight. On the one hand,
I want it to just be over… on the other, I don’t know if I can survive when it
is.
The
doctors have advised termination, as they always do with this type of
diagnosis. My immediate and
sustained reaction is “That is not my choice to make.” Eddie and I firmly believe in the value
of human life from conception. He
is our son, his heart is beating, and God gave him to us to take care of. Until God takes him, he is ours to protect
and love. He is a gift that I
cannot and will not discard. I
thank God that he has entrusted us with this gift, and I know his soul has
meaning. God created him for a
purpose, and I joyfully anticipate watching his purpose unfold.
Joy.
Joy is not the emotion I feel at the
moment.
Sorrow.
Sorrow is what I feel.
I can’t imagine ever stepping out of
this cloud of sorrow. I anticipate
this cloud to grow heavier and darker in the weeks and months to come, but I
also believe with all my heart that My God will sustain me. He WILL bring me out of it after he
brings me through it.
In the
meantime, I choose to rejoice and celebrate the life that God has surrounded me
with. There is much NEW life to
celebrate: the birth of my new nephew, the birth of my good friend’s baby boy,
and about 7 other women in my church who are due to celebrate new life in the
coming months. I am excited for
them and will love their babies the best way I can. I know there will be pains in my heart at the same time, but
love will overcome.
God put
something on my heart soon after I found out I was expecting. I knew I was one of 12 women in my small church who were pregnant, and they are all due before me. God put on my heart something very sad,
but very real: “One of these women could very well face complications with their
pregnancy… even loss.” My heart
broke at that thought, and little did I know that God was preparing me.
I know
you may be reading this thinking I have lost all hope. The truth is, I’m a realist. It is very hard for me to be optimistic
in the face of very real facts.
BUT, know this: I have not
given up all hope. I have faith in
a God of miracles.
I KNOW he
can heal my baby, but I do not put my faith in that hope. I put my faith in my God who has proven
in my past that his plans are always greater than mine. I trust Him.
I KNOW he
has the power to heal, but I do not put my faith in that power. I put my faith
in my God who has shown me that sometimes it is much more powerful to carry us
through unimaginable circumstances.
I don’t feel like I am strong.
I know that I am weak. But,
I am made strong in my weakness because of His power.
Some of you reading this already knew of this, and some of you are just finding out. I am sorry if this is you, but there is no way I could share this personally with all the people who know and love me and Eddie and Jaden. I want to, but I can't. This is the only way I know how.
Many of
you are praying for us already.
Thank you! We ask you to pray along with us. Our prayer is this:
Pray for a miracle... if that be His will.
Pray that his little kidneys start producing urine.
(I bet no one asked you to pray for pee before)
Pray that God
would guide us and sustain us as we take each step down this road of the
unknown. We are seeking medical help the best way we know how, but are strongly aware that it is unlikely that those doors will open.
Pray for continued hope and strength to fight the battle before us.
Pray that he would use us and that he would use our baby's life (however long or short it is) to reach others in a way we never could without this chapter of our story.
Pray that he would use us and that he would use our baby's life (however long or short it is) to reach others in a way we never could without this chapter of our story.
Pray that he
would comfort us and give us peace...
no matter the outcome.
And we
will continue to post updates about our little "gummy bear" as we feel led. Thank you for your prayers!
