Happy 1-Month Birthday, Dakota - Oct. 19, 2015
“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit.”
Psalm 34:18 (ESV)
For every
valley of darkness I have traveled,
God has
also brought me mountains of sunshine.
For every
tear I’ve cried,
He has
also granted me smiles and laughter.
For every
moment of sorrow and grief,
I have
also been blessed with moments of joy and thanksgiving.
Just one month ago, on Sept. 19, 2015, we met our precious
baby boy and said good-bye to him less than 12 hours later. One month ago, Dakota left this earth and entered the arms of Jesus. In some ways, time has seemed to stand
still. Yet others, it seems to
have flown by. Those 24 hours have
been etched into my memory forever and have changed my heart for an eternity.
It was interesting to notice that God was putting us on people’s
minds and hearts today, on his one-month birthday. Eddie and I received several texts and phone calls where
people were just reminding us that they love us and were praying for us. A good friend even sent a video of her
kids wishing Dakota a “Happy one-month Birthday!” It was a reminder that we are loved and cared for. We are not forgotten, and neither is
Dakota.
This morning, I also had a conversation with a new friend
who didn’t know much about our journey with Dakota. She wasn’t afraid to ask me
about him. She took the time to
ask me questions about his diagnosis, his birth and even his burial. As I drove home following that
conversation, I realized she had given me a gift: she had given me time and
space to talk about Dakota and that felt so
good. Tears came to my eyes as
I realized how much it meant to me to have someone just ask me about him. So many people are afraid to mention
him because they are afraid to upset me.
Just know this: it will never
upset me to talk about my son. It
may bring me to tears, but that doesn’t mean I’m upset. It just means I’m still healing.
Many people ask me “How are you doing?” It is easy to give the short answer:
“Fine. We are doing okay.” Because, we are. But we also are not. I have my good days and bad. I have joyful moments and sorrowful.
Each day, something brings me joy and smiles and
laughter. But, also each day,
something brings me to tears. Each
day, my heart breaks all over again; moments that I have come to expect but
that always take me by surprise.
Moments like… dropping Jaden off at school and having the
other mothers notice that I’m not pregnant anymore. Their questions and my responses:
“Did you have the baby?”
“Yes.”
“When?”
“Almost 2 weeks ago… but”
“Ohhhh! Congratulations!”
“…he passed away.”
It feels cruel… to hit these unsuspecting strangers with
such tragic news. They were just
going about their day, taking an interest in the lives of others… and BAM! They get hit over the head with
death.
Moments like… when I noticed that I had gone over 24 hours
without needing to pump. Realizing
that my body is forgetting that I just gave birth to a baby 2 weeks ago. My body feels that this pregnancy was
in the distant past, but my heart is still raw with hurt.
Moments like… realizing that Eddie’s phone had pictures of
Dakota on it that I had not remembered to look at. It took me over a week to remember that they were even there. Looking through them, I discovered
two short videos taken while Dakota was still alive and breathing and
crying. That became my joy and
sorrow all at once. I am so joyful
to have those sweet seconds to watch over and over again. Yet I feel my heart breaking each time
I watch those sweet seconds over and over again. It isn’t enough.
I want more. I have
hundreds of pictures and those 2 short videos, but what I want is my baby in my
arms. (FYI: If you want to see them, ask me next time we are together. I would love to share them with you.)
Moments like… when I find myself frustrated with Jaden or
angry with Eddie. Grief has a way
of exploding over and over again, and unfortunately the ones closest to me get
hit with the shrapnel. Eddie even
said, “you just don’t seem happy…” Because I’m not. I’m not happy.
I’m sad. I can forget that
I am sad for a little while, but it always comes back. At the same time, I am grateful. I am thankful for the way God has
carried us through this. I am
thankful that He has not left us. I
am thankful that He has put so many people in our life to love us and serve
us. I am thankful for a loving
husband and a healthy 4-year-old. I
am thankful that I have so much to be thankful for. Yet, right now, I am also sad. I never fully understood that such opposite feelings could co-exist inside me until now.
Moments like… when I try to go back to life as ‘normal’
because that seems logical. It
seems like that is what I am supposed to do. But then I can’t.
Life isn’t normal. I have
to learn a new normal. Thankfully,
I have godly women in my life who took the time to remind me that it is okay to
not rush back to a ‘normal’ life.
It is okay to grieve. It is
important to grieve. And it is
okay to take it slow… one day at a time.
But, then there are those moments of joy. I get reminders that God has given us
such peace and grace through this whole process. There are so many details that God has worked out for us. I cannot express in words how much this
makes me feel cared for. God has
not forgotten me. He has prepared
me for this road. He has taken
care of all of the provisions needed for the journey. And He has provided traveling companions that have walked
this road of grief before. He has
put friends by my side who have not left me to travel this road alone. He gave
me a husband and son who have blessed my life and have been the perfect
“traveling companions” on this journey.
He has surrounded us with a church family that have loved us and served
us and carried us when we could not go on anymore.
