Adversity is GOOD

May 28, 2016

It was a year ago today that a routine doctor’s appointment turned into what felt like a death sentence for our unborn child. On May 28, 2015, we were told that Dakota’s chance of survival were “zero” and to end his life.

“It is good for me that I was afflicted, 

that I might learn your statutes.”

Psalm 119:71

May 29, 2016

Early Sunday morning, I woke with realization that a mere date on the calendar was about to come crashing down on the delicately-rebuilt-emotional-stability I was in.  I realized that one year had come and gone since the day we were told to end our unborn child’s life.

“It is good for me that I was afflicted, 

that I might learn your statutes.”

Psalm 119:71

As I went about my morning routine, I didn’t think it would affect me so much.  But, as I arrived at church and sat down to wait for service to begin… my thoughts returned to that fateful day.  As we sang songs of worship and I listened to a sermon about why we go through adversity… I was hit like a ton of bricks.

For the first time in a long time, I allowed myself to remember that day fully. I revisited the excitement of that week before.  We were expecting to discover our baby’s gender in the 20-week ultrasound.  Instead, we were told there was no amniotic fluid so they couldn’t see anything in the ultrasound.  I returned for what I understood to be a routine ultrasound and was alarmed when I was being sent directly to a perinatologist for a more specialized ultrasound.  I didn’t even know what a perinatologist was at the time: (Perinatologists are obstetricians and gynecologists with special training in high-risk pregnancies. They are also called maternal-fetal medicine specialists.)  I had no idea the gravity of the situation and was not prepared for the worst news I could ever be told: “Your baby most likely won’t survive.  We recommend termination.”

I remember telling Eddie, “I know women who have lost babies to miscarriage.  I know women who have had stillborn babies.  I know women who have suffered with infant loss.  But I don’t know anyone who has been told to terminate their baby’s life.”

I felt like Eddie and I were about to walk down a road that no one I knew had ever walked before.  I felt lonely and lost and confused and heartbroken.  I actually wanted the pregnancy to end on its own just so I didn't have to make a decision.  Little did I know, but I had several friends who had been told that exact thing by their doctor, and I would meet several other women over the next few months who had been told that same thing.  They became my support and my companions as we walked through this terrible nightmare.  I also learned that I didn’t have to automatically do what the doctor recommended.  I had someone bigger to answer to: The Great Physician.

Little did I know that day one year ago, that God was about to walk with me through my darkest days and bring me out stronger and closer to Him on the other side.  There I was, 20 weeks pregnant with a baby that we had been trying to conceive for 2 years… and a doctor telling me to throw his life away so I could “begin to heal quickly and start over.”  Start over?  Start over?  No… this was the baby God gave me and I was not going to just scratch his life out and start over!

Now, here I am today, one year later, carrying our rainbow baby, 30 weeks pregnant, and rejoicing in both the joy and the sorrow that my God carried me through over the past year.

You see, I was a wandering soul.  Yes, on the outside, I looked like the picture of what a good pastor’s wife should look like.  But my bible and my heart were dusty.  My relationship with God was distant.  Yes, on the outside, I went through the motions.  I followed the rules.  I went to church.  I taught Sunday school.  I prayed before meals.  I stayed away from the “big” sins.  But it wasn’t personal.  God was about to get real personal for me.  My need for God didn’t change, but what did change was the realization of my deep need for God.

As I sat and listened to the sermon, I realized how thankful I am for the past year.  Yes, the memories were heartbreaking to trudge up, but the joy I feel on the other side is so worth the pain I walked through.  Suffering drove me to Jesus.  Suffering lead me to see my deep spiritual need.  When I needed Him most, He didn’t reject me… instead, He called me to His side.  He wrapped His loving arms around me and carried me when I felt I could not go one more step.  That’s what Jesus does.  He came to save the needy and the lost.  God used Dakota’s life to renew and restore my rusty heart.  He used Dakota to draw me to Him in a way I had never realized I needed before.  He used Dakota to grow my faith and strengthen my trust in Him.  I could not be who I am today without the journey I traveled while carrying my baby boy in my womb while my God carried me through the nightmare.

“It is good for me that I was afflicted, 

that I might learn your statutes.”

Psalm 119:71

Danny shared Psalm 119:71, and I share it three times here because it struck a chord in my heart.  Yes... I have learned to be truly thankful for the suffering I endured because I know what it did to my heart and my walk with Jesus!

As the sermon wrapped up and the service ended, Eddie led the band in one final song that flooded me with yet more memories.  You see, worship and worship music had become my lifeline during that time.  It became the only way I could feel peace during those long sleepless nights.  Before that, I was the worship leader’s wife who didn’t really worship during those times of singing to our Savior.  I was easily distracted… I often arrived late and missed most of the music… I just didn’t always value that time in my own spiritual walk.  But on that day, something changed.  Music and the words we sang became my direct prayers.  When I didn’t have the words to worship, the songs and lyrics helped me to lift my eyes and my heart to the One I could depend on.  I often stood in church with tears streaming down my face as my husband led me (and the rest of the congregation) in worship.  My need for God became personal.

Now, as he sung a song that he had sung many times before, I was yet again over come with emotion as I worshiped my God and Sustainer:

“Christ Be All Around Me”

-Michael W. Smith

As I rise, strength of God
Go before, lift me up
As I wake, eyes of God
Look upon, be my sight

As I wait, heart of God
Satisfy and sustain
As I hear, voice of God
Lead me on, and be my guide
And be my guide

Above and below me
Before and behind me
In every eye that sees me
Christ be all around me
Above and below me
Before and behind me
In every eye that sees me
Christ be all around me
Whoa...Whoa...Christ be all around me

As I go, hand of God
My defense, by my side
As I rest, breath of God
Fall upon, bring me peace
Bring me peace

Your life, Your death
Your blood was shed
For every moment
Every moment

As I reflect on the past year and look joyfully into the future, I rejoice in the fact that God’s plan is always greater than our own.  No, if given a choice, I would not have chosen to surrender my baby boy to the arms of Jesus.  I would have kept him here on earth, to watch him grow, to watch Jaden become the big brother he is so ready to be… but that was not His plan.  God knows what is best, even when we don’t see it.  I really believe that for my life and for yours.  Now, I am able to trust Him more fully with EVERY aspect of my life.  I am thankful for the many gifts I received in the last year:

•         Friends, both new and old, who were there when I felt most lost and alone
•         A chance to hold and kiss my sweet baby boy before he was ushered into the arms of Jesus
•         Memories of hearing his cries and knowing he was a miracle, no matter how short his life was here on earth
•        Being surrounded by our church family even when our families couldn’t be there
•        A renewed faith and trust in God
•        An experience that God will use to touch other women and families who travel a similar journey
•        A husband and best friend who journeyed this unknown territory with me, and a marriage that is stronger for it
•         A renewed appreciation for Jaden and the joy he brings to our lives
•         A healthy pregnancy and anticipation of growing our family by one little bundle of pink
•      An un-medicated natural birth that gave me confidence in my body to try a homebirth this time around
•      A battle with the insurance company that resulted in approval of our midwife and planned homebirth
•      The chance to purchase our first home and the peace God has given me in this process that I formerly lived in fear of
•      The many prayers lifted on our behalf and the people that continue to be an encouragement to us

These and so much more.  I have so much to be thankful for... my heart is full!

Mother's Day 2016

28 Weeks - May 9, 2016

Mother’s Day was yesterday.  Mother’s Day has a whole new meaning to me now.  I was kind of taken off-guard by the emotions that would wash over me this day.  Before Jaden was conceived, I remember Mother’s Day being painful for a few years.  Eddie and I experienced a desire to have a child, and we hoped patiently each month for a positive pregnancy test.  15 months passed by before we finally rejoiced at those two blue lines.  After Jaden was born, Mother’s Day was transformed to a more joyful occasion; but, the memory of that pain was still present.  I thank God that he has given me the gift of empathy for the childless women who face Mother’s Day with a painful ache in their hearts.

This Mother’s Day brought with it a whole new set of emotions.  I gratefully celebrated my sweet boy who is here with me, but I also mourned my sweet baby who is in the arms of Jesus.  As I read the Mother’s Day card Eddie wrote for me where he mentioned our “three children,” the tears poured down.   Dakota is gone, but not forgotten.  And on a day like Mother’s Day, he is remembered ever so fiercely!   The pain is fresh, and I didn’t see it coming.  It gives me a whole new perspective on Mother’s Day and the many other women who are also grieving the loss of their children.  Although the pain stings, I also thank God for it because it expands the circle of women with whom I can empathize with in the pain of this day. 

But, it doesn’t end there.  I also realize that God has given us each a woman who birthed us.  Mother’s Day isn’t just about me; it is about the woman who gave me life.  I’m thankful for my Mom and each passing day I have with her in my life. 

And… I can’t forget my sweet girl, Carmen!  She is giving me the gift of motherhood all over again, and this Mother’s Day was another chance to celebrate her.  I’m celebrating her life, her health, and the way God has already used her sweet presence in our family to bring us joy and healing.

And, as you can see: this girl is growing!  I feel huge… and I am only just beginning the third trimester.  Well… I am thankful she is growing and pray that she is born healthy and strong. 

As we enter into this final 12-week stretch, I am beginning to feel a bit more anxiety.  Almost like I am fearful of reliving all that we went through with Dakota all over again.  I know that the fear is of Satan and not of God, so I ask for prayers for continued strength that only God can fulfill.  I choose to place my trust in the One that carried me through the storms in the past and who promises to never leave me. 

The rollercoaster of emotions I felt while pregnant with Dakota have been mirrored in this pregnancy.  Feeling grief and loss while also feeling hope and joy for the future makes for a very unpredictable, emotional, pregnant woman!  Sometimes I think, “I can’t do this” and then I realize that I am so thankful that I get to do this!!!  God has blessed our family with this sweet little girl, and I can’t wait to see her face.  Truthfully, I also can’t wait to be done being pregnant! 36 weeks with Dakota, 5 weeks of healing, and now 28 weeks and counting with Carmen.  It still baffles my mind when I stop to think about it…

Physically, I am still feeling pretty good, but I am starting to feel a level of exhaustion that I’ve never felt before.   Although my body is tired, I think much of the exhaustion I’m feeling is mental.   I can’t help but think about all the packing and moving and unpacking and settling that I hope to do before she is born… and then I need a nap after just thinking about it.  I’m praying for God to help me to focus on just taking one day at a time.  I’m reminded of the passage in Matthew, and I think I need to plaster it on my mirror so I remember it everyday: “Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?” Matthew 6:27.   (Not that I want to add a single hour of being pregnant either.)

My normal pregnancy symptom is here: heartburn… but it is nothing a few Tums can’t handle.  As the summer heat creeps in, I look forward to spending my days feeling weightless and keeping cool with Jaden in one of his favorite places to play: the pool!  And… never before have I felt so aware of my baby’s position in my womb.  She is sometimes head-down… and other times feet-down… and let’s just say that I can definitely tell the difference.  I would prefer her to stay head-down and kick me in the ribs than the alternative!

As always, I thank you for the many prayers still being lifted on our behalf.  Eddie and I are so grateful for the body of Christ and the encouragement that is poured over us more than we ever expected.